Personal Shit

Are you ready for this? This may just be the most vulnerable thing I have ever done…

I currently live in California with my boyfriend of two years; I’m earning my Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy; I perform improv at a comedy theater; and I enjoy singing way too much karaoke sober.

Let’s go back to my childhood because that’s where all this shit originates anyways right? I had an awesome childhood, but while my Dad worked really hard, he was not around that much and had his own issues that prevented him from being the best parent. I didn’t have the best male role model and quite frankly was only taught by my mom the things you don’t want in a relationship. So I guess I had daddy issues. All of our parents screw us up somehow. My mom always instilled into me that you need to be independent, “choose wisely,” and “remember how a man treats his mother is how he will treat you.” Nevertheless, I went through junior high insecure, (acne, brace face, Jew curls and all), and high school feeling a sort of resentment towards the slightest douchiest guy.

(Don’t worry, I’ve resolved my daddy issues, we are on better terms, everything is all good now.)

It wasn’t until I met my first love junior year that my whole worldview changed. There are chivalrous guys?! He was the sweetest boy (or so I thought), and helped me face many of my fears like going in the ocean and trusting men. He helped me realize it was ok to be my weird, quirky self. I genuinely felt like it would never end.

Flash-forward to college, and the ultimate emotional relationship shit storm erupted. That one person I never thought would go away did the ultimate betrayal. In a matter of weeks, everything that I thought was wonderful about guys had been completely eviscerated. I let one person change my whole outlook on the male species. Commence binge drinking, self-destructive behavior, and bleaching my dark brown hair blonde.

The next four years I became jaded, cynical, and acted like I was okay with disrespect and anything casual. I was attracted to the non-committal, artsy, sarcastic type, with just that extra splash of asshole. While I watched my girlfriends have successful relationships, I kept dating the same person just in different bodies. Was every guy I met a serious prick or was there something wrong with me? I think it was both.

If I wanted a healthy relationship with a respectful guy, I had to work on myself and screen out the assholes. This part was a slow and difficult process.

Finally, after college, I did the one thing I never thought I would do. I tried online dating. I remember hearing that one quote, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” I forced myself to once again confront my fears.

I slowly realized that as much as there are players/dicks in the world, there are good, respectful, generous, chivalrous, NICE guys that exist as well. Not all men suck. I promise.

I did everything out of my comfort zone and actually found someone amazing…online. Even if I told you exactly how I got my dream man, it wouldn’t really be that important. Relationships are amazing and don’t get me wrong, I am in love, but now I know the goal isn’t about finding the man. The goal/best thing I learned was how to love myself (always a work in progress), be alone, reevaluate how I look at men, and if you DO want to learn how I got my shit together, stay tuned.

-M

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