**** This post was originally titled “7 Things I Wish I Would Have Realized When I Was Single”****
DISCLAIMER: I had changed the title because I thought saying “smart” would make SOME women feel more empowered. It was never to imply if you don’t do these things, you are “dumb.” This post is not meant to be a blanket statement. It is directed towards a certain type of manipulative, misogynistic male. I am aware that NOT ALL MEN are like this. I fully believe in the existence of kind-hearted and respectful men. These points are MY personal opinions and WILL NOT apply to the majority of people. Do not read this post if you are going to take my personal experiences out of context. This post is for the countless amount of insecure women navigating the dating world that often get their heartbroken when miscommunication and sex is involved. This blog is tongue in cheek. If you are going to take it too seriously, then you should probably leave now.
Some of these things won’t apply to you, and if that is the case, consider yourself lucky. But for the rest of us that have struggled in the sometimes god-awful dating world, take notes. I feel like over the years of miserable dating experiences, I have mastered how to not only find a healthy relationship, but to be truly happy with myself.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In fact, if I were single again, I would probably enjoy it a whole lot more than the last time. However there is something wrong if at the end of the day you think there is something defective about you because you don’t have someone. It’s not that you are destined to become that lonely, senile, crazy lady with 100 cats, it’s that you have not yet mastered what I learned the hard way.
For the girls that struggle to find the type of relationship they truly want, here is what I wish you could believe. I would like to spread my wisdom towards my fellow ladies to inspire GIRLPOWER. I know there are exceptions to everything, but this is my personal experience.
1. A Nice Guy Can Be A Total DOUCHE… if you let him
Don’t we all have that one guy we really thought was a good guy, but he turned out to be a “total ass.” In my experience, it was because of MY behavior that made him an “a**hole.”
Examples of idiotic behavior:
- Consistently calling him first/texting HIM to hang out
- Being totally accommodating to HIS schedule/driving over to his house
- Always being ok with “hanging out” and not going out on dates because you tell yourself you are ok with being “casual”
- Being drunk in front of him (Being drunk rarely makes you look classy, but also not saying that this lady doesn’t appreciate a few drinks)
- He flakes on plans/or you feel like you are waiting around for him to hang out.
Lesson: None of these things are ok! Guys respect girls who respect themselves, but even the sweetest guy can be a jerk if you aren’t being nice to yourself. If he demonstrates one ounce of disrespect/laziness/ or disinterest, CALL HIM OUT ON IT. What you decide to do after is your choice, but guys respect you way more when you speak your mind than when you go along or accept any type of shitty behavior. It also makes him realize, “Oh shit, this girl won’t tolerate my BS, and if I want to be with her, I’m going to have to shape up.” Bottom line: If he wants to see you, he will make the effort.
Additionally, if he continues to show you disrespect/laziness/ or disinterest, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate the she-wolf that you are? NEXT!
This brings me to my next point which I read in this amazing article: http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=12940&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1366751
2. Smart Girls Don’t Fall For Mr. Potential
There is that guy who is amazing! You hook up, maybe it was once or maybe it is consistently, he gets your sense of humor, he makes you personalized CD’s with songs that are metaphors for your relationship, calls you on the phone to talk about your day, and plans all these fun activities he wants to do with you.
You are basically in relationship land, yet when you confront him why you aren’t together, he says he doesn’t want a relationship?! You tell yourself, “We’d be perfect as a couple, why doesn’t he see this?” You must go by actions and not his words. If he sends mixed signals by acting like you’re in a relationship, but then acts as if you guys are just “casual,” he is not for you.
PROBLEM: Why do we feel the need that we can or should convince someone to be with us?
We date this guy who would be perfect if he just would just see X, Y, or Z. We need to learn from this article, which offers this great piece of advice we need to tell ourselves:
“I know it feels like Mr./Ms. Potential is the perfect person for me, but since he/she isn’t willing to enter into a real relationship with me, then he/she can’t possibly be the perfect person for me. The perfect person for me will be super-excited to jump into a relationship — I won’t have to drag him/her kicking and screaming, or figure out the right way to convince this person that we could be wonderful together.”
Lesson: At the end of the day, no matter how amazing you think HE is, you have to ask yourself, how does this person’s behavior make ME feel about myself? If you are in constant turmoil decoding what his actions mean, he is not for you.
3. Smart Single Girls Decide Whether She is into HIM
So many times we over analyze what we did or didn’t do when we date. How many times did I date someone because on the surface he looked hot or seemed cool, but he really did not have his shit together, and I was more established than he was. Or he seemed to treat me well, but was actually a jerk to the wait staff and strangers (which is a true test of character by the way!) Or what about if he was just kind of a self-centered person that didn’t really have much to offer the world. Sometimes we date BELOW us, and still wonder why he doesn’t want US. Why do we act so insane?
Lesson: As girls we need to recognize our potential and never settle for less than we deserve. We need to realize we are amazing, acknowledge our accomplishments, and test who measures up to US.
4. Being With the Right Person Feels Easy and Natural, None of This Sex and The City, “Carrie and Big” Bullshit
With my ex-boyfriend there was so much drama. He was my first love and I never thought I would find anybody else after we broke up. Our communication lasted for years and parts of me thought we would end up together eventually. During this time, he was dating someone else for 4 years, yet we would still communicate periodically.
It was this epic love saga that would not end. I wanted this fantasy that even after all of our hurdles, we had made it. At the end of it though, I had to tell myself that based on our history, (repetitive breakups, reuniting, and cheating on his part, I know, what was I thinking?), this was not a story I’d want to tell our grand-kids. The truth is I would never be able to trust him again. And that is not the type of husband I would want or father for my kids.
Lesson: When I began dating my current boyfriend, he called when he said he would, he planned dates, there was no jealousy, he had this overwhelming confidence, but wasn’t cocky, and there was no anxiety. The time flew by and there was no second-guessing myself. It was fun and easy and it was how I knew it was right.
5. There IS Such A Thing as Giving a Guy a Chase, and If You Give it Up Too Soon Ladies, He Will be OVS (over it).
Exception: if you tell yourself you are TRULY down for just a hookup and don’t see it as anything more, than obvi you’re fine. But, don’t try and kid yourself when what you really want is a relationship. It’s the girls that think if you hook up sooner you somehow move the relationship forward or get him to like you.
Lesson: Men are HUNTERS and they only truly appreciate what they have to work for. End of story.
6. The Right Guy Will Still Want to Date You After You Sleep With Him.
Wait what? Didn’t I just say the exact opposite in the bullet above this? This is confusing, because what is the timeline you can do this?
Here’s my rule, if you are consistently dating and he is actively pursuing, yet you haven’t established if you are monogamous yet, regardless, the right guy will continue to pursue you despite you sleeping together.
This is ONLY if you are following the other rules and embracing girl power. I.e. having self-respect, being confident, not being needy. If you are truly embodying the girl power ideals, and you never hear from him again, you should feel confident in how amazing you are to know that he is the one missing out.
So many times girls freak out, “Will he call? Does he still like me?” They make themselves so vulnerable.
Lesson: Overall, to avoid this anxiety, I suggest following Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s advice, “NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY.”
7. When You Find the Right Person There is Literally NOTHING You Can do to Make Him Stop Loving you. Exceptions: cheating, lying, etc.
Examples of things I have done that I have questioned if they are deal breakers for my bf:
- Being wasted and slamming the bathroom stall door in his face because I refused to let him help me or see me vomit my brains out.
- When I finally admitted later in the relationship that I had certain quirky OCD habits, I found that the right person accepts those things, because they are ONE aspect and there are so many other wonderful things he loves about who I am.
- Sneezing or coughing while simultaneously accidentally farting.
- Involuntary loud burping.
- Him finding those freakishly long hairs that he thinks were a stray hair but were actually connected to my face.
Lesson: I have tried to ask my bf what I can do to make him not want to be with me and he tells me there is absolutely nothing. Is this rare? Maybe. I don’t think so. Right before I started online dating, I told myself that if I want something I have never had, I have to do something I have never done. I went into it and told myself I am going to stop doing these destructive behaviors I have done in the past. I went into the online dating world applying these principles and am the happiest I have ever been. I showed myself more respect, stopped living in a fantasy world, and was true to myself about what I really wanted out of life. I believe everyone can find this type of love, but get your shit together first.
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