7 Things Smart Single Girls Know

if you aren't happy

**** This post was originally titled “7 Things I Wish I Would Have Realized When I Was Single”****

DISCLAIMER: I had changed the title because I thought saying “smart” would make SOME women feel more empowered. It was never to imply if you don’t do these things, you are “dumb.” This post is not meant to be a blanket statement. It is directed towards a certain type of manipulative, misogynistic male. I am aware that NOT ALL MEN are like this. I fully believe in the existence of kind-hearted and respectful men. These points are MY personal opinions and WILL NOT apply to the majority of people. Do not read this post if you are going to take my personal experiences out of context. This post is for the countless amount of insecure women navigating the dating world that often get their heartbroken when miscommunication and sex is involved. This blog is tongue in cheek. If you are going to take it too seriously, then you should probably leave now.

Some of these things won’t apply to you, and if that is the case, consider yourself lucky. But for the rest of us that have struggled in the sometimes god-awful dating world, take notes. I feel like over the years of miserable dating experiences, I have mastered how to not only find a healthy relationship, but to be truly happy with myself.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In fact, if I were single again, I would probably enjoy it a whole lot more than the last time. However there is something wrong if at the end of the day you think there is something defective about you because you don’t have someone. It’s not that you are destined to become that lonely, senile, crazy lady with 100 cats, it’s that you have not yet mastered what I learned the hard way.

For the girls that struggle to find the type of relationship they truly want, here is what I wish you could believe. I would like to spread my wisdom towards my fellow ladies to inspire GIRLPOWER. I know there are exceptions to everything, but this is my personal experience.

1. A Nice Guy Can Be A Total DOUCHE… if you let him

Don’t we all have that one guy we really thought was a good guy, but he turned out to be a “total ass.” In my experience, it was because of MY behavior that made him an “a**hole.”

Examples of idiotic behavior:

  1. Consistently calling him first/texting HIM to hang out
  2. Being totally accommodating to HIS schedule/driving over to his house
  3. Always being ok with “hanging out” and not going out on dates because you tell yourself you are ok with being “casual”
  4. Being drunk in front of him (Being drunk rarely makes you look classy, but also not saying that this lady doesn’t appreciate a few drinks)
  5. He flakes on plans/or you feel like you are waiting around for him to hang out.

  Lesson: None of these things are ok! Guys respect girls who respect themselves, but even the sweetest guy can be a jerk if you aren’t being nice to yourself. If he demonstrates one ounce of disrespect/laziness/ or disinterest, CALL HIM OUT ON IT. What you decide to do after is your choice, but guys respect you way more when you speak your mind than when you go along or accept any type of shitty behavior. It also makes him realize, “Oh shit, this girl won’t tolerate my BS, and if I want to be with her, I’m going to have to shape up.” Bottom line: If he wants to see you, he will make the effort.

Additionally, if he continues to show you disrespect/laziness/ or disinterest, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate the she-wolf that you are? NEXT!

This brings me to my next point which I read in this amazing article: http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=12940&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1366751

2. Smart Girls Don’t Fall For Mr. Potential

There is that guy who is amazing! You hook up, maybe it was once or maybe it is consistently, he gets your sense of humor, he makes you personalized CD’s with songs that are metaphors for your relationship, calls you on the phone to talk about your day, and plans all these fun activities he wants to do with you.

You are basically in relationship land, yet when you confront him why you aren’t together, he says he doesn’t want a relationship?! You tell yourself, “We’d be perfect as a couple, why doesn’t he see this?” You must go by actions and not his words. If he sends mixed signals by acting like you’re in a relationship, but then acts as if you guys are just “casual,” he is not for you.

PROBLEM: Why do we feel the need that we can or should convince someone to be with us?

We date this guy who would be perfect if he just would just see X, Y, or Z. We need to learn from this article, which offers this great piece of advice we need to tell ourselves:

http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=12940&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1366751

“I know it feels like Mr./Ms. Potential is the perfect person for me, but since he/she isn’t willing to enter into a real relationship with me, then he/she can’t possibly be the perfect person for me. The perfect person for me will be super-excited to jump into a relationship — I won’t have to drag him/her kicking and screaming, or figure out the right way to convince this person that we could be wonderful together.”

Lesson: At the end of the day, no matter how amazing you think HE is, you have to ask yourself, how does this person’s behavior make ME feel about myself? If you are in constant turmoil decoding what his actions mean, he is not for you.

3. Smart Single Girls Decide Whether She is into HIM

So many times we over analyze what we did or didn’t do when we date. How many times did I date someone because on the surface he looked hot or seemed cool, but he really did not have his shit together, and I was more established than he was. Or he seemed to treat me well, but was actually a jerk to the wait staff and strangers (which is a true test of character by the way!) Or what about if he was just kind of a self-centered person that didn’t really have much to offer the world. Sometimes we date BELOW us, and still wonder why he doesn’t want US. Why do we act so insane?

Lesson: As girls we need to recognize our potential and never settle for less than we deserve. We need to realize we are amazing, acknowledge our accomplishments, and test who measures up to US.

4. Being With the Right Person Feels Easy and Natural, None of This Sex and The City, “Carrie and Big” Bullshit

With my ex-boyfriend there was so much drama. He was my first love and I never thought I would find anybody else after we broke up. Our communication lasted for years and parts of me thought we would end up together eventually. During this time, he was dating someone else for 4 years, yet we would still communicate periodically.

It was this epic love saga that would not end. I wanted this fantasy that even after all of our hurdles, we had made it. At the end of it though, I had to tell myself that based on our history, (repetitive breakups, reuniting, and cheating on his part, I know, what was I thinking?), this was not a story I’d want to tell our grand-kids. The truth is I would never be able to trust him again. And that is not the type of husband I would want or father for my kids.

Lesson: When I began dating my current boyfriend, he called when he said he would, he planned dates, there was no jealousy, he had this overwhelming confidence, but wasn’t cocky, and there was no anxiety. The time flew by and there was no second-guessing myself. It was fun and easy and it was how I knew it was right.

5. There IS Such A Thing as Giving a Guy a Chase, and If You Give it Up Too Soon Ladies, He Will be OVS (over it).

Exception: if you tell yourself you are TRULY down for just a hookup and don’t see it as anything more, than obvi you’re fine. But, don’t try and kid yourself when what you really want is a relationship. It’s the girls that think if you hook up sooner you somehow move the relationship forward or get him to like you.

Lesson: Men are HUNTERS and they only truly appreciate what they have to work for. End of story.

6. The Right Guy Will Still Want to Date You After You Sleep With Him.

Wait what? Didn’t I just say the exact opposite in the bullet above this? This is confusing, because what is the timeline you can do this?

Here’s my rule, if you are consistently dating and he is actively pursuing, yet you haven’t established if you are monogamous yet, regardless, the right guy will continue to pursue you despite you sleeping together.

This is ONLY if you are following the other rules and embracing girl power. I.e. having self-respect, being confident, not being needy. If you are truly embodying the girl power ideals, and you never hear from him again, you should feel confident in how amazing you are to know that he is the one missing out.

So many times girls freak out, “Will he call? Does he still like me?” They make themselves so vulnerable.

Lesson: Overall, to avoid this anxiety, I suggest following Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s advice, “NO SEX BEFORE MONOGAMY.”

7. When You Find the Right Person There is Literally NOTHING You Can do to Make Him Stop Loving you. Exceptions: cheating, lying, etc.

Examples of things I have done that I have questioned if they are deal breakers for my bf:

  • Being wasted and slamming the bathroom stall door in his face because I refused to let him help me or see me vomit my brains out.
  • When I finally admitted later in the relationship that I had certain quirky OCD habits, I found that the right person accepts those things, because they are ONE aspect and there are so many other wonderful things he loves about who I am.
  • Sneezing or coughing while simultaneously accidentally farting.
  • Involuntary loud burping.
  • Him finding those freakishly long hairs that he thinks were a stray hair but were actually connected to my face.

Lesson: I have tried to ask my bf what I can do to make him not want to be with me and he tells me there is absolutely nothing. Is this rare? Maybe. I don’t think so. Right before I started online dating, I told myself that if I want something I have never had, I have to do something I have never done. I went into it and told myself I am going to stop doing these destructive behaviors I have done in the past. I went into the online dating world applying these principles and am the happiest I have ever been. I showed myself more respect, stopped living in a fantasy world, and was true to myself about what I really wanted out of life. I believe everyone can find this type of love, but get your shit together first.

-M

*Need some motivation? Check out my Etsy Store on the home page of this site!

25 thoughts on “7 Things Smart Single Girls Know

  1. I’m constantly amazed by how much misogyny, sexism, and slut-shaming you pander to your readers in the form of progressive life insights.

    • It’s unfortunate that is how you interpret what I am trying to achieve. The goal of my blog is all about female empowerment. This site is meant for people in the dating and relationship world and whatever stories they want to share.

    • Michael, as a happily married woman (22 years), the mother of two girls, even I enjoy this blog. Get your ass out of your mothers basement, get a life and stop being a condescending dick. You know, “GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!” Jackass!

    • Michael’s one of the not-rare-at-all trolls that populate the faceless world of the internet. I’ve started a new religion DBD Humanity…please join, we only have 1 rule, DBD, or Don’t Be a Dick. Follow that one rule and your life will be happier, I swear to you.

      So, Michael, DBD?

    • Exactly true.

      This is disgusting? Men are hunters? What kind of narrow minded bullshit is this?

      OP dates the assholes of society it seems.

  2. Wow Michael, we must be reading 2 different blogs. I find these stories empowering to women and enjoyable to read. If you re paying attention, the goal is to share personal growth stories and to encourage others to do the same in a light hearted manner. M is an advocate for women, and I find your misogyny and sexism comments somewhat bizarre. The goal here is to entertain about common events and misinterpretations that we have all shared.

  3. Hmm. What a confusing comment. I say this because if you were “constantly” reading and have followed this blog since it started, you would realize the perspective of the author and why she feels the way she does about the posts and topics discussed. (If you missed that part, go ahead and read the “Why I started This” and “Personal Shit” sections). I do not see the author as sexist nor misogynistic but rather one of the MANY women who have dealt with the bullshit that make up the confusing and daunting dating world. I have yet to read any so called “slut-shaming” since I was too busy laughing and loving at all the funny stories and powerful quotes this fantastic new blogger shares every week. Stories which I CAN relate to.

    But don’t get me wrong. I’m glad there are men out there like you who do look out for misogyny, sexism and slut-shaming, but I fear you are misunderstanding the lightheartedness and the real point of this blog. If one really wants to find these types of sub-text, I’m sure it’s not hard, but I would hope you wouldn’t waste your time. I hope you keep following the blog though. This writer seems like she has a lot to say about some topics that could be similar to something you may have once experienced.

  4. I found this post and all the other posts to be about self worth/self love and not settling for anything less than we deserve. We all spend too much time beating ourselves up over mistakes we have made in this brutal dating world it’s refreshing to hear other women make the same mistakes! Keep it up M!

  5. Brought here from Reddit (http://www.reddit.com/r/Feminism/comments/1yum5g/the_problem_with_women_pandering_misogyny_and/), and I appalled by your blog. Not because you are saying things that are offensive. Not because you are playing into the very thing you’re trying to rebel again. Not even because you disagree with me. I’m appalled because you’re not even aware that you’re so disgustingly offensive.

  6. Another venturer from reddit.

    1. Your blog may be empowering women, but

    2. The way you speak of men is atrocious and regrettable. Men are not hunters. They don’t all want to sleep with you.

    3. It just hurts to see such ignorance spread like this. It’s the same reason I made fourteen lulu accounts and constantly bash them on twitter. Why, you ask?

    4. It’s a double standard. Men would never call women out like this, but women would rise with indignation about slander and defamation if they knew what was going on?

    My point?

    5. People like YOU are the reason we will never be able to push for gender equality. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

  7. After reading endless blogs in the same vein as this one, I can understand now why so many young men actually just don’t want anything to do with young women.

  8. What the eff is wrong with you guys complaining about this blog? As a guy, I don’t find this blog offensive. I find it pretty accurate for the majority of our species out there and also highly entertaining.

    I think a lot of this advice can apply to both men and women. Honestly, this stuff is just sound relationship advice but not a “you must do this” guide to dating. People could break all of the rules above and still be in an incredible relationship.

    As to the brilliant poster, James, above me, you seriously wouldn’t agree that the general view of men is that they are hunters? That they have been this way, literally, since the beginning of time? Sure, all of us don’t fit into that category but that’s precisely the point the author is trying to make.

    Let’s turn it around. Smart guys don’t fall for Ms. Potential. If she *seems* to have it all together but reality doesn’t meet projection then, same for girls, you should drop ms. potential for ms. actual. Let’s take another one. Smart guys decide whether they are into HER. It’s so easy to get sucked into a relationship with someone who’s not quite right for you just because she is very interested or available. This advice works for both genders. Don’t continue to date someone if they don’t have their shit together – guy or girl.

    Finally, the right person should be easy/natural to be around. You shouldn’t need to be reading tips about dating or relationships, especially at the beginning, because it should unfold the way it’s supposed to and those are the ones worth pursuing.

    Chill out everyone – I support this blogger’s attempt to write about her own experience and those of her friends in an entertaining, opinionated way.

  9. These stories are neither misogynistic or male bashing and if you critics would stop seeing things in black and white you would not read “women are dumb” as the underlying message of this particular story, but rather see it as an attempt to encourage self esteem.

    Many people entering the dating world are often plagued with self doubts and lack a well developed self image. Some women especially are so glad to have been “chosen” that they don’t always discern the character and intentions of the “chooser”. Same applies to men. Men are also inexperienced, looking for love, doubting themselves, and don’t always realize the effect of their actions. ALL the stories on here are trying to praise and empower the positive behaviors of both sexes while pointing out the negatives. This is all done tongue in cheek with the goal of entertainment!!!

    I’m sure all of you crying “sexist” would not tolerate a friend who flaked on you, didn’t treat you or others with respect or wasn’t consistent with the friendship.

    Biologic consequences for promiscuity are a fact for both sexes. Women will bear the brunt of an unwanted pregnancy, making life changing decisions without even knowing the identity of the sperm donor. Not a good “risk to pleasure” ratio for all you “if it feels good do it” fans.

    LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE! This blog is meant to raise standards and empower everyone! Love it!

  10. I can understand how the title of this post can be seen as controversial. Just because I chose the word “smart” girl doesn’t imply that I think all other girls that don’t follow “my steps” are dumb.

    This is from my personal experience when I used to CHOOSE to date assholes and disrespectful guys. Obviously, the world is full of the exact opposite types of men, but if we are being realistic: manipulative, dishonest, and misogynistic men DO exist.

    If you had read my other posts you would know that I am dating the sweetest, most caring, considerate man who treats me as an equal, but shows he loves me in the best possible ways. He is the complete opposite of what I used to date when I was going through my own issues. Only when I started respecting myself, was I able to find someone who respected me for more than just my body.

    Like I said, if you love sex and don’t want a relationship. That’s fine. I said that this post may not apply to you. Everyone has different views on sex, and that’s ok!

    SOME girls in their 20’s have had this similar experience of dating insolent assholes, which is why I chose to write this post, FOR THEM.

    It’s sad how angry and upset my post has made so many of you. It must have taken a ton of energy to stay so pissed off at me. If you read my whole blog, you will understand I have a history and a story and a reason for my opinions. Which is what they are, MY OPINIONS. You can’t read this story in a vacuum and it’s not black and white. If you are going to analyze my post and delve into all the subtext, you could also flip the story and see it as “7 Things Smart Single Guys Know” as well.

    The post is about having self-respect. Bottom Line. A guy making me feel like shit is NOT my fault, it is his. Continuing to stay with someone that treats you poorly is complex and I’m not going to even discuss the beginning signs of inter-partner abuse. You are not DUMB if you don’t follow my “guidelines.” I am neither a misogynist nor a misandric. I am against people that make women feel like shit and I am in full support of self-worth and self-love.

    As for the “men are hunters” part that you hated. This doesn’t mean ALL men only want women for sex. In my experience, men TEND to pursue the woman. If a girl feels comfortable to ask a guy out, go right ahead. Some guys are shy and like a more aggressive girl. Don’t take me so literally. Continue to make assumptions and believe my WHOLE blog is dogma.

    I am a happy person, in a wonderful relationship, that truly believes there are wonderful, good men that still exist and are out there.

    You should also know that I haven’t had this blog up for even two weeks yet. So, thank you for the amount of publicity and traffic you have given my site. I have plenty of other stories to tell. This is only the beginning. I hope you come back.

    If you still want to hate me, that’s cool. In the words of the Dude from The Big Lebowski, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.”

    -M

  11. Dear HTGIT,
    Please ignore the misinformed fools who object to the term “Men are Hunters”. Its a centuries old, biologic fact among humans and the animal kingdom that the males pursue and hunt while females are the ones nature has set up to have and nurture the babies. They also are the ones who protect and love their family. While women can of course fill or switch this role with men, it is still prevalent in our society to have men be the pursuers. I question the narrow mindedness of the commenters on here who consider this a negative term . Men DO value what they work hard to achieve.

  12. I’m 40. I’m a man. I’m married. I have 3 sons under 10. That’s me in a nutshell. My wife came to me a few weeks ago to read a new blog because it was funny, but true. First thing I read was Part 2 of the Crack blind date. Laughed my ass off, and cringed just a tiny bit at the fact that the poor schlub probably made up a drug story to make himself seem more interesting. He came off as a jackass… And, I used to be that guy. I used to make up shit I thought would make me seem cool. I was this idiot. I was just hooked on this blog.

    So, now I’ve read stories about nice guys, friend zones, love (oddly) professed and things smart single girls know. I agree with it all and that brings me to why I decided to write this. I’ve seen several attacks on this fledgling blog, and that has brought out the protective daddy in me.

    I read in one area where another man openly asked if any other men were offended by how the blogger is portraying men. I had a few thoughts about this one:
    1. No, I’m not offended. I learned long ago how not to be this type of guy.
    2. She isn’t “portraying” men. The points are coming from her real stories…real…as in real life. If anything, be offended that there are those typed lumped into our gender.
    3. “Thou doth protest too much” Perhaps, the gent is uncomfortable with the mirror in front of him.

    I saw another post against this post on reddit, where a girl listed bullet points, the first of which was something like, “If I’m dating an asshole, it’s my fault”….YES!!! Took me 20+ years to figure that out. Yes, you are at fault, BECAUSE YOU ARE ALLOWING IT. Oh, and it goes both ways.

    Here’s a little ramble: Most people suck, unless you know who are, and you figure out that you suck too. Trick is, once you figure that out and embrace it…most people don’t suck anymore! Confused? Then, you’re not there yet.

    It’s ok to be selfish. By that, I mean it’s ok to leave someone because they are an asshole/bitch. It’s ok to leave someone…period. It’s on you to be happy, it’s also on you to make your partner happy, and call them out when they fail you. I’d say about 50% of the people I know should be single because they aren’t doing any of the above.

    Example:
    My sister has big dreams. She also has bounced from shit job to shit job and has never been single for more than a couple of weeks at a time. This dates back to high school. Finally, after yet another shit job and equally shitty boyfriend, she finally took my advice. She stayed single, she got to know herself, she figured out how to be happy alone. Now she works at a well known cable network, she dates when she feels like it, not because she feels like she has to. She has never been happier.

    Back to the blog…I read a few comments, where people were calling her a feminist man-hater. She’s also a slut-shamer, and a misogynist woman hater. Really folks?

    It’s just not there. She is telling real life stories of her and her friends. If that strikes a nerve…Well, in my opinion, you are also seeing a part of yourself that you haven’t come to grips with yet.

    -L

    P.s. A “nice guy” drives the girl he likes to a party he isn’t invited to, then picks her up and takes her home…That was me.

    A Good guy says no, and does something else….This is me…prior to being married.

  13. All I have to say is FUCK THE HATERS. Keep doing what you’re doing girl!

  14. To the cyber haterz, If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all <3 or you can start your own blog with your own opinions and advice and leave negativity off of this one.. BOOM all your negative problems solved! Let all of us who enjoy M's stories and advice have a place of positivity and good laughs.

  15. Clarissa Silva, MSW

    Brilliant article!!!!

  16. Nice post! Good Information!

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