These are opening lines my friend Angela received over online dating websites. Do these opening lines seem sweet or inauthentic to you? They seem pretty tacky to me and perhaps the worst pick up lines ever. But maybeeeee they are just being nice?? NO. These are totally inappropriate for someone you don’t know, but can possibly be seen as wonderfully romantic when you hear this during your wedding vows.
Let’s be clear: this post is about “nice guys.” I’m all for the other type of NICE. The ones that are nice, yet confident, and mature and do NOT encompass the following qualities.
I interviewed some of my closest girlfriends to get their opinions on why they are not attracted to these type of “nice guys.” This is the list I came up with. If you are a guy that thinks “nice guys” finish last, perhaps if you follow the advice from the ladies and myself and do not possess the qualities on this list, you can be a NICE guy that finishes first.
For the sake of this post,
NICE guy: the guy that does it right.
“nice guy:” the guy that is doing it wrong.
The following list is how “nice guys” behave. To be a NICE guy, follow the lessons below:
1. Overly Eager/Over-accommodating
This is the guy you meet and he texts you, emails you, fb chats you consistently and frequently. He is pursuing you hardcore and basically up your a**hole. He’s the one that always asks “Is everything ok? Everything all right? Can I get you anything? Are you mad at me?” We appreciate being looked after, but this is overkill.
Take “nice guy” Wayne for example, he texts Lauren “howdy” every morning, then in the middle of the day to see how her day is going, and then at night to see how her day ended. He is in constant pursuit and there is no mystery. Another example is how over accommodating he is when Lauren is sick. After dating only 1 week, he is willing to drive almost 2 hours to where she lives at her parents house at 11pm to bring her soup. NICE guy, Rick, on the other hand, does it the right way. He might text Emily once that day to tell her to have a great day, or call her at the end of the day to have a real conversation over the phone. We like that Rick has his own life going on and his world does not revolve around us. If Emily is sick, he might drop off some tea on her doorstep with a sweet “feel better” note.
Lesson: Calm the F*** down.
This boy assumes we are always free and have tons of downtime. He might get upset when we don’t show him attention right away. He also might not have very many friends of his own and relies on us to be his constant entertainer. We have our own lives going on, we want to be independent, and it’s nice to know you have your own life too.
Lesson: “Last thing I need is a mama bird or helicopter hovering over me all times of the day.”-Lisa
3. Assuming/Over analyzing
Remember what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of-… I don’t need to remind you. Common sense should tell us we should never assume. You never know what is going on in someone else’s life or head. This goes for “nice girls” too by the way. You will give yourself constant anxiety making up the possibilities in your head if she likes you or not. “Nice guys” over analyze everything a girl does. I bet you half the time, she was never aware of whatever you think she was doing.
Lesson: Be bold, read her vibes, and go by her ACTIONS. If she acts uninterested, she probably is, but if she acts like she likes you, take a risk and ask her out. Don’t sit there in your head wondering forever whether she will say yes or no. Rejection may suck, but at least you will have your answer. In the words of Gloria Gaynor, you WILL survive. Also, if she talks about other guys or exes, she’s probably not into you. No smart girl would talk about other boys to a boy she liked.
4. Not-aggressive Enough
This is what probably hurts “nice guys” the most. John is scared of rejection (aren’t we all), so he might ask Tiffany to play frisbee golf or “hang out.” He is being wishy-washy. This can be interpreted as a fun date or just a casual hang out between friends. It’s confusing for both parties.
NICE guy Aiden, on the other hand, was interested in Jill, so he invited her to a swanky lounge for cocktails after work. The ambiance of the place set the mood and because of his flirtatious body language, there was no doubt in Jill’s mind that he was into her. This type of date eliminates any type of “fun, hang out, friend zone time”
Additionally, some “nice guys” believe that they should not have to call or text a girl first. This can be true. It is 2014. However, girls still like being pursued in a non-stalkerish way and if she chooses to call you first, well, then that’s her prerogative.
Lesson: Be assertive. Be brave. As a cheerleader would say, “Be aggressive, B-E AGGRESSIVE.”
Don’t be a wimp! We don’t mean this in the sense that you have to have a six-pack or you can’t be skinny. We just want someone who exudes confidence. I will never forget when Julie told me she was about to hookup with someone and he asked her, “Can I keep my socks on? My feet get cold.” Obviously, absolutely NOTHING happened. Later that night he also asked her if she had any food because he “needed something for his tummy.” I wish I were making this shit up. Definitely not a turn on.
It’s also important to take care of yourself. You don’t have to be a body builder, but be active and care about your health. Not everyone is going to be super fit and we all have different body types. Obviously, things as superficial as appearance can be bypassed, but the key component here is if you are doing everything else right, then you should be confident with whatever you have going on.
It is important to dress well! At the very least, dress your age. When you dress like a kid or constantly wear silly graphic t-shirts (which are okay once in a while), we look at you as a boy and not as a man. It’s like that saying “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have,” you have to dress for the girl you want to have.
Lesson: NEVER ask a girl if you can keep your socks on when you are about to hook up.
6. Putting yourself in friend zone
You do this to yourself. Do not talk to the girl you like about her guy problems. You may think this is getting you an “in,” but according to my own statistics, 9 times out of 10, this will fail. Allie says, “Don’t be a girlfriend to a girlfriend, she has her own… or she should.”
You also put yourself in the friend zone when you always agree with us. Someone that doesn’t have his or her own opinion, or is not capable of banter is not fun. Girls like a little bit of a challenge. My girl Bolty said it well, “It’s like racing in Mario Kart or something and when the light turns green, he just sits there and lets you win- and that’s boring!”
Lesson: Do not put us on a pedestal. We are human and we know we are imperfect. Don’t be a dick about it, but call us out on it! If I trip on my own feet, please laugh at me because I will be laughing too. Ignoring the reality that I am imperfect is insincere and will get you friend zoned. However, this is my perspective. Some girls would be highly insulted getting laughed at and that could also get you friend zoned. Bottom line: I guess you just can’t win.
Please don’t take this post too seriously. At the end of the day, there is no formula to get a girl. Be yourself and be real. People are attracted to different things for different reasons at different points in their life. “The same actions by two different people can affect in opposite ways”-Mary So, even if you think you’re doing everything right and it’s still not working for you, do not take it personally. Don’t worry, there’s a lid for every pot.
When I asked the ladies, “Why are you not attracted to “nice guys?” Here’s what they said:
“No girl wants to have sex with the “nice guy.” She wants to have sex with the confident, charmer.”
“Not all girls want fairy tale shit, we don’t need a prince, we need a partner in crime.”
“When guys are too nice, it’s unattractive because I didn’t do anything to deserve it, like there’s a difference between being thoughtful and too nice. It seems almost desperate, like they’d drop everything they’re doing if you asked them for something- even if it was important stuff.”
“If it’s the first time meeting someone, and he is already being so nice, it’s like he must want something from me. He doesn’t value himself and he’s being a kiss up. Just like people would hate the “teacher’s pet” or the “brown-noser,” guys who are too nice just make you cringe.”
“I think everyone has a little bit of a competitive side to them, so guys who are too nice just let you win without even putting up a fight.”
Katie (had a specific person in mind):
“I think that I wanted someone that I felt comfortable with and I felt like I couldn’t be my (sometimes) sarcastic self with him, like I was censoring myself around him.”
“I felt like I was being judged if I cussed or said anything mean by him, so it just felt weird.”
“I think “too nice” is often another way of saying they are stuck in the friend zone, like friends usually do nice things for each other and so the guy keeps acting nice, but that makes him no different from the girls’ other girlfriends.”
“I think the longer you act just nice, in the same way friends do, the harder it is to see the person in a different light like as a bf or someone you’d want to kiss.”
“Most girls don’t want to have sex with a puppy dog who is nice and gives you everything you ask for just cause you asked. The typical “nice guy” doesn’t realize that just because he’s not bringing a girl lunch everyday, waiting on her etc, doesn’t make him mean.”
“Its not so black and white, girls want to be appreciated, but they don’t want puppy dogs.”
*Note: Some names may have been changed to protect the identities of the clueless/victims.
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